Tips For New Dads

Chances are, if you clicked on this page, you’re a new dad or about to become one.

First off…CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Secondly, I hope you don’t care much about sleeping, because it’s over. Really. Go ahead and sell your bed and your pillow. You won’t be using them anymore, and they’ll just be taking up valuable space for things like Bumbos and Boppies and breast pumps, which will soon be invading your home like long-lost relatives who just popped in for a visit and plan on staying for a few years.

I wanted to use this page to give you a few quick pointers on new fatherhood and what to expect. But since I don’t really remember those early years – my brain erased them from my memory for my own good – I just made up this list over a couple glasses of cabernet. Hope it helps!

TIPS FOR NEW DADS

1) Whenever you’re holding the baby or anywhere within a three-foot radius of it, it’s best to wear some sort of rain gear or HazMat suit to protect you from all the bodily fluids that your baby will be shooting out from all ends without warning throughout the day.

2) If your wife leaves you with the baby to run an errand or to go out with her friends for a quick bite, never, and I mean NEVER, refer to what you’re doing as “baby sitting.” Mothers, especially new mothers, tend to have a bad reaction to this phraseology and you’ll end up sleeping on the couch. HA! I’m just kidding, of course! You won’t be doing any sleeping.

3) Try to learn the baby’s different types of cries. This is the way a baby communicates that he/she needs something. For example, a loud, repetitive, screeching-type cry means that the baby is hungry. On the other hand a loud, repetitive, screeching-type cry means that the baby is tired. Furthermore, a loud, repetitive, screeching-type cry means that the baby is awake. Once you learn to identify these different types of cries, it won’t make a lick of difference.

4) If it’s not too late, you may want to consider getting a dog instead. They’re easier to house-break.

5) Fatherhood, though utterly exhausting and frustrating at times, is a wonderful gift that will completely change your perspective on life and teach you to truly appreciate the really important things in life, i.e., alcohol, brief respites in the restroom, baby sitters, and cat naps at work, to name but a few.

Good luck and enjoy every minute of it! After all, in just 18 years or so, they’ll be all grown up!

Then you can sleep again.