The following are mostly my musings on everyday life in small-town U.S.A., with some random stuff sprinkled in here and there. The majority of these posts follow my many misadventures in fatherhood. I wanted to keep a written record of these experiences so that one day, many years from now, I can share them with my children so they can see all the crap they put us through. Enjoy.
“Hey, Dadda—what’s that?!”
Shoot. He saw it. My 1984 G.I. Joe Storm Shadow action figure.
I’d been hiding it inside my desk drawer where I knew it would be safe and where, every now and again, I could catch a glimpse of it and recall those oh-so-wonderful days before things like mortgages, electric bills, and chronic back pain.
“Um…well, that’s Storm Shadow,” I said. “The dreaded white ninja and personal bodyguard of Cobra Commander himself! He was one of my favorite toys when I was a little boy.” (Still is.)
The Animal’s eyes were aglow. “Wow!” he said. “Can I play with him?”
“What?” I reacted as if he’d asked to play with a butcher knife. “Oh, I’m sorry, pal. But he’s not for playing with.” My son stared at me, dumbfounded. “He’s over 30 years old,” I explained, “and I don’t want you, you know, losin’ him or anything.”
You see, I am quite familiar with my son’s work. Case in point: I’d already watched him take my once-pristine Matchbox car collection and transform it into a die cast junkyard. Whoever came up with the phrase “with kid gloves” definitely didn’t have my son in mind.
Eventually, though, I came to my senses and decided to let him have it. I’m a grown man, for cryin’ out loud. I don’t need to hang onto some stupid action figure for nostalgia’s sake. (“Toy Story 2” was on later that day and it got to me.)
What was the big deal, anyway? After all, Storm Shadow is a toy, and toys are meant to be played with. What’s the worst that could happen?
A few days later, my son came up to me holding Storm Shadow’s torso in one hand and his legs in the other.
“Um, Dadda…your ninja broke.”
“Yes, I see that,” I replied, as he handed me the remains of my cherished toy. It had taken The Animal just three days to destroy something that for more than 30 years I had kept in near-perfect condition. Knowing his record, I shouldn’t have been surprised.
I was devastated. But I wasn’t about to just toss him in the garbage. (Storm Shadow, that is; not my son.) Upon closer examination of the bisected figurine, I realized that the broken rubber band that had been holding him together was exactly the same size as those little multi-colored rubber bands my daughter uses to put her hair up, and which I’m always sucking up with the vacuum. Although I’d never attempted surgery on an action figure before (or on anything else, for that matter), I had to at least try to save my old friend.
So I washed up, grabbed my philips-head screwdriver, and went to work.
It was a complicated procedure and one that required the complete disassembly of the once proud ninja warrior. It took about a half hour to thread the tiny rubber band into place and then screw everything back together. When I was finished, my beloved Storm Shadow was as good as new! Or at least as good as a 30-year-old action figure can be.
It was my proudest moment, next to the time I managed to change out the innards of my commode without flooding the house.
Of course, now that Storm Shadow was whole again, there was no way in the world I was going to share the good news with The Animal. I mean, I know toys are supposed to be played with and everything, but I’m also pretty sure they appreciate not being torn in half by rambunctious preschoolers with a history of toy abuse.
Believe you me, Storm Shadow is much happier spending the rest of his life safely inside my desk drawer.
Trust me. I know him better than anyone. ~
Today’s typecast brings us another edition of Small-Town Verse. This little poem features one of Beaver’s most famous visitors, Rudyard Kipling, who stopped in our fair town back in 1889. “Musquash” was the fictional name Kipling gave to Beaver in his book, “From Sea to Sea” (1899).
(typed on my Smith-Corona Super G)
It’s funny, you’d think parenting would get simpler as you go. After all, most things tend to get easier with practice.
Not so. Not only are my kids becoming more unmanageable by the day, but the strain of the job itself, i.e., being a stay-at-home dad, is really starting to get to me. Imagine a hammer beating you over the head repeatedly from sunup to sundown. It’s sorta like that.
That said, I came up with a little list of things that, although extremely difficult, are still way easier than being a parent. Enjoy.
13 THINGS THAT ARE EASIER THAN PARENTING
- Scaling El Capitan’s Dawn Wall
- Learning Mandarin
- Photographing Bigfoot
- Brain surgery
- Solving Rubik’s Cube blindfolded
- Getting through an entire episode of “The Bachelor”
- Licking your elbow
- Understanding Faulkner
- Bowling a 300
- Explaining Twitter to your grandma
- Understanding the appeal of Kenny Chesney
- Domesticating a badger
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
Recently I began a new daily habit based on Claudia Altucher’s awesome new book, Become An Idea Machine: Because Ideas Are The Currency Of The 21st Century. The book prompts you to come up with 10 new ideas a day on a random theme. The goal is to get you thinking and help you exercise your idea muscle, so to speak.
I thought for this week’s Typecast Tuesday, I’d share my answers for the latest prompt: list 10 New Technologies for Smart Refrigerators. Hopefully we’ll see some of these at your local appliance store in the near future…
(From the keys of my late 1960s Hermes 3000)
The other day we celebrated my son’s fifth birthday. Boy, time sure does fly by. It’s hard to believe that, just five years ago, I still thought I wanted four kids.
Funny how things change.
The following is a quick recap of how we celebrated The Animal’s big day:
– Even though we had his official party the day before, we set aside a few more presents for my son to open the morning of his actual birthday. Because heaven knows he needed even more toys just a couple weeks removed from Christmas.
– After we dropped off Boogieface at school, we took The Animal to breakfast so he could have his favorite: the Funky Monkey (think chocolate chips, bananas, fudge sauce, and whipped peanut butter) from Waffles INCaffeinated in Beaver. Or, as my dad calls it, “The Waffle House.” (He also refers to the Brighton Hot Dog Shoppe as “The Pancake House”.)
– Returning home, I actually did a little work (Yay, me!) whilst my son took in six episodes of “Star Wars: The Clone Wars”, his favorite show. And, no, I didn’t force him (no pun intended) to like Star Wars. He decided that all on his own. OK, maybe I nudged him a bit.
– When The Animal was finished binge-watching, we did battle on his brand-new Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtle Battroborg, which, according to the manufacturer’s description, puts “turtle power” in your hands through “precise katana controller movements.” This thing is actually pretty cool. You get to make these Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtle robot thingies fight just by swinging around a sword-handle-shaped remote control. To be honest with you, the whole thing kind of freaks me out. I mean, it can’t until the government has a whole army of life-sized remote-controlled Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles to do their bidding? Who’s to say they don’t already?
– Next we swung by my daughter’s school to take her out of class early so we could all go bowling. Because, you know, priorities.
– After The Animal and I bowled our way to victory over the girls, we hit the arcade, which is basically Las Vegas for little kids. With all the noise and flashing lights, I felt like I was in the slots room at Caesar’s Palace. And, much like Vegas, we blew through our money limit faster than you can say “rip-off”. Speaking of rip-offs, after earning a bunch of tickets playing games, I actually thought the kids would be able to get something half decent in the arcade store. But apparently all 225 tickets buys you nowadays is a flimsy paddleball, two plastic rings, a balsa wood F-18, a handful of Tootsie Roll Frooties, and a couple monkeys with parachutes you can never repack. Thirty bucks well spent.
– Now that the kids were hungry and all wound up from video games and candy, we thought it would be a good idea to go shopping for school uniform pants for my daughter at Old Navy. I spent the next hour chasing them around the store as they hid in the clothing racks. In hindsight, we probably should have done the mind-numbingly boring activity first.
– Finally we headed home to grab some dinner and spend the rest of the evening assessing the mess and wondering where in the heck we’re going to put all these new toys. At least that’s what I did. The kids just played and had a great time as usual.
It’s good to be young.
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
“What’s the matter with you kids?! What—are you just too cool to sing anymore? Is that it?”
It’s been 30 years now, but I can still see Mrs. Deelo standing at her piano at the front of the classroom, glaring out at us as she expressed her frustration. I really can’t blame her. For years in music class we’d sung so enthusiastically and uninhibited. Then, right around 7th Grade, the hormones kicked in and our mouths clamped shut. I’m sorry, but there was no way I was going to be caught dead singing “Edelweiss” in public. That’s the kind of thing that can follow you for life.
Mrs. Deelo absolutely loved musicals (still does) and she couldn’t understand why anyone else wouldn’t share in her passion for the genre. She’d show us scenes from “Singin’ in the Rain”, “My Fair Lady”, “Mary Poppins” and others, and then teach us the songs during class. Far and away her favorite musical was the “The Sound of Music”. We must have watched that movie a dozen times, or at least that’s how I remember it. “My Favorite Things”, “Do-Re-Mi”, “So Long, Farewell”—we sang these silly songs so often I thought I’d never get them out of my brain. It took me almost 30 years, but finally I was free.
Then I did something stupid—I showed the movie to my daughter.
Boogieface also loves musicals, you see—“Annie” and “Mary Poppins” being two of her favorites. But after watching both of these at least 100 times apiece, she was itching for something new. So we decided to borrow “The Sound of Music” from the local library to see if she liked it. She did, and, much to my surprise, so did my son. To tell you the truth, I even found it to be somewhat enjoyable after so many years of separation, particularly the looming WWII storyline, which appeals to the history buff in me. (Liesel’s not too hard on the eyes, either.)
Since they liked it so much, for Christmas we decided to get them the soundtrack on CD so they can hear their favorite songs anytime they wish. Unfortunately, they wish to hear them ALL THE TIME. No joke. The CD is now on loop inside my car, and the kids insist we listen to it anytime we go anywhere. Over the past few weeks I’ve heard “Do-Re-Mi” so many times I wake up in the middle of the night singing it in my head. “My Favorite Things”, ironically, has now become one of my least favorite things, and I’ve even caught myself singing my own favorite songs with a British accent.
Take it from me, “Sweet Child O’ Mine” really loses its edge when you sing it like Julie Andrews.
I’m worried that it’s having physical effects on me, as well. At my daughter’s gymnastics class recently, one of the other students whispered to her mother — get this — that she thought I looked like Captain von Trapp! I feel like I’m in an episode of The Twilight Zone.
Of course, I could just put my foot down and refuse to play the CD in the car, as is my right as The Daddy. But I have to admit, there’s something undeniably sweet about my seven-year-old daughter singing “Sixteen Going on Seventeen”, and my four-year-old son contemplating, through song, how one can possibly “solve a problem like Maria.”
We see Mrs. Deelo just about every Saturday upstreet at the cafe, and, of course, she was delighted to hear that her love of the movie has been passed along to another generation. So I guess she won in the end.
I suppose I shouldn’t complain, though. I mean, it could be worse. At least they’ve forgotten about “Let It Go”. For now. ~
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
So for the past few years my wife and I have made it a tradition to take our daughter and niece downtown to see The Nutcracker just before Christmas. They really get a kick out of it, and it’s a nice way to get into the holiday spirit.
And, believe me, I need all the help I can get.
Last year my nephew was upset that he wasn’t included. So this year we decided to bring him along and my son, too. I wasn’t sure it was such a good idea, though, considering just a couple weeks earlier we had taken The Animal to a kids symphony performance at Heinz Hall, and after just five minutes he asked if we could “leave and go to Tropical Fun Zone”. We barely made it intermission before throwing in the flag.
With that miserable experience still fresh in my memory, I was certain The Nutcracker would be a disaster. I mean, two hours of ballet? We’d be lucky to get out of there alive.
After arriving at the Benedum Center, my brother-in-law graciously bought the adults a round of red wines, which, with the purchase of a souvenir plastic sippy cup, we were permitted to enjoy inside the theater. (Classy, right?) Then we took our seats, wondering just how long it would take for The Animal to cause a scene and send us heading for the door. It was inevitable.
For the first 25 minutes or so it was smooth sailing. Then I noticed my son was beginning to squirm around in his seat and glance in my direction. Uh, oh. But just then the giant mice appeared on stage for the big battle scene, which renewed my son’s interest in the play. At least momentarily.
But by the time the sugar plum fairies were doing their thing, The Animal was once again becoming restless. My 8-year-old nephew, who by this time was hiding his face inside his fedora, had apparently had enough as well.
Somehow we made it to the intermission without any major incident. But I knew we were just biding our time. After refilling our red wine Big-Gulps®, we headed back inside for the second act and waited for the other shoe to drop.
Of course after two glasses, i.e. sippy cups, of wine, there was no way I was going to make through the entire performance without having to hit the little boys room. So right around the Chinese dance scene, I snuck out to relieve myself.
That’s when it happened—the embarrassing moment we were all fearing. Only…my son had nothing to do with it.
As I made my way back into the darkened theater, I turned the corner and started up the stairs to my seat. But with it being so dark, and with red wine coursing through my veins, somehow I missed a step, tripped, and went crashing down to the carpet below. I popped up immediately, trying to act all nonchalant about it, but the damage was done. Pretty much the entire theater had witnessed my clumsiness and was now shaking with laughter in their seats. The lady in front of me was literally wiping away tears.
At the end of the performance, right as the lights came up, everyone in our section turned to get a good look at the idiot who had fallen flat on his face. How nice.
So in the end it was me and not my son who ended up making a big scene. Who woulda thunk it?
But what can I say? Like son, like father, I guess. ~
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
I’ll admit it. I wasn’t looking forward to it—our annual Picking Out The Tree Day.
Sorry. I’m just not into the whole Christmas thing. Jesus, yes. Everything else, no. Go ahead, call me a Scrooge. But it’s all just so tiring. The whole holiday season makes me want to take a long nap. As a matter of fact, everything makes me want to take a long nap anymore.
We got off to a late start that morning. Personally, I thought we should get there right when the tree farm opened. But who listens to me? So by the time we arrived the line of cars stretched all the way out to the road. It took a half hour just to inch down the long gravel driveway to find a parking spot in the muddy grass. Then I waited in another long line for a saw and a cart as the couple behind me got in a heated argument about whether or not their tree stand at home was green plastic or red metal.
My wife can easily spend an hour going over a restaurant menu, so selecting the “perfect” tree out of literally hundreds of options can take some time. So after wandering around for a while, we finally whittled it down to a few worthy candidates before settling on a majestic Frazier Fir way in the back of the farm. (Or maybe it was a Douglas Fir? Eh, who cares?) It was beautiful! The perfect Christmas tree! So I took out the handsaw and killed it.
Then began the long slog back to the barn to have the tree bound, drilled, and strapped to the top of our Sorento. The kids wanted to help, so I let them pull the cart most of the way. Honestly, I wanted to do it myself so we could get out of there ASAP and get something to eat. But I have to admit it was kinda cute watching them struggle to drag our pine-fresh kill up the muddy slope. Heck, let’em earn their hot chocolate!
On the way home we stopped at the Log Cabin Inn and caught some of the Steelers game while munching on cayenne-crusted Fire Fries and boneless wings. You know, health food. Meanwhile I savored a 20-oz Southern Tier Winter Somethingorother as the kiddos sipped on their hot cocoa and played with their Squinkies on the bar. Great parenting, right?
After that we went home to prop up the dead tree in our living room and decorate it. I wish I enjoyed this part. I really do. But I don’t. I really, really don’t. Mostly because of things like having to go right back out into the cold to buy more lights because, of course, we don’t have enough lights for the tree, even though we had more than enough last year. Funny how that works.
In the end, however, it all came together as I hoisted The Animal up to the top of the tree, where he somehow placed the angel perfectly without pulling the towering pine down on top of us. Though he did try.
Maybe one day I’ll look back longingly on days like these. But for now I’m just glad it’s over and I can finally relax. That is, until we have to take the tree down in a month or so.
But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. ~
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
Greetings, and welcome to another edition of Small-Town Verse!
Today’s offering was inspired by a day of “working” at my local library. This is my life now. Enjoy!
(Written on my 1958 Hermes 3000)
When the Western Pennsylvania Model Railroad Museum (WPMRM.org) asked me to bring my family to their facility and write about it, I was honored. But I was also a little wary. After all, the last time I’d taken The Animal to a model railroad display, we hadn’t been there five minutes before he reached into the layout and broke off one of the miniature trees. That’s just how he rolls.
That’s why I was pleasantly surprised when the greeter at the WPMRM told us about their kid-friendly main level, which features a bunch of hands-on activities for the little ones. The Animal, of course, would’ve made it “hands-on” no matter what. But still it was nice to have permission.
Located in Gibsonia, the Western PA Model Railroad Museum is a train-lover’s paradise. As soon as you walk inside you purchase your ticket at what looks like an old-fashioned train station ticket counter. Glancing around the room, one of the things that catches your eye is the museum’s gift shop, which has an entrance that looks just like a red caboose. All around the room vintage toy trains are on display inside glass cases, where they’re protected from dust and, more important, the callous hands of rambunctious little kids. (Not that I know anyone like that.) There’s also a seating area where you can just sit back and relax as videos of trains are projected on the wall, if that’s your thing.
Also on the first floor you’ll find an HO-scale Thomas the Tank Engine train the kids can operate with a switch, along with a wooden train set they can get more hands-on with. There’s also a cool miniature N-scale layout beneath a plexi-glass dome.
The best part of the main floor, however, is the large, O-guage Lionel layout, which has buttons the kids can press to operate the various trains. It also features an imaginative, anything-goes type of theme with things you might not expect to see in a normal train layout, like the Incredible Hulk saving a school bus from plunging over a cliff, and a menacing T-Rex towering over a doomed Ernie from Sesame Street.
If you’re looking for something a little more realistic, you can head upstairs to the museum’s “Mon-Valley System” layout. This impressive, 4000-square-foot model accurately depicts Western PA railroads and towns back in the 1950s. Starting in Pittsburgh, the layout takes you from the old Smithfield Street Station, past the J&L Steel Mill, and then on to McKeesport, Dickerson Run, Connellsville, Ohiopyle, Rockwood, Meyersdale, and up over the Allegheny Mountains before ending in Cumberland, Md. I was especially interested in this particular rail path, since back in 2010 I rode my bike along the same route as part of a larger ride from Pittsburgh to Washington, D.C., which I barely survived.
The detail of the M-V display is remarkable; you could literally spend hours discovering all the little scenes that are meticulously crafted throughout the layout. Of course, it only took us about 15 minutes as the kids — my two plus our friend’s daughter — basically ran through the whole thing as they took part in the museum’s 27th Annual Holiday Train Show Scavenger Hunt. Luckily the entire display is safely behind glass, so The Animal wasn’t able to go Godzilla on everything.
All in all we had an awesome time at the museum and pretty much had to drag the kids out kicking and screaming. Best of all, we made it out without having to pay for any damages, which is always a plus.~
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
Working from home certainly has its advantages — a 30-second commute, showering every other day, afternoon naps, etc. But the one benefit I never expected was being able to walk my daughter and niece to and from school every day.
We only live a few blocks from their school, so unless it’s pouring down rain or we’re in the midst of yet another polar vortex, walking just makes sense. But of course you can’t just send a couple first graders off to fend for themselves (at least that’s what my wife tells me). So yours truly gets to play chaperone.
I should point out that during our daily walk there is very little actual walking. I don’t know how much time you’ve spent around first graders, but a nice leisurely stroll isn’t in their nature. They prefer to skip, run, hop — basically anything but walk. It’s exhausting just watching them.
Every day it’s pretty much the same story: As soon as we step out the front door, both girls — each as cute as a button in their Catholic school uniform — grab my hands and start dragging me down the block. Meanwhile I’m still waiting for that first cup of coffee to kick in.
“Let’s skip, Uncle Val!” says my niece.
“Yeah!” says my daughter. “And sing ‘We’re Off to See the Wizard’ again!”
That part is my doing, actually. I don’t know what it is, but there’s just something about the act of skipping that puts me right smack on the Yellow Brick Road. (Cut me some slack—I grew up with two sisters.) Of course, once you do something that your kids enjoy — i.e., skipping down the street to a song from a musical — you better get used to doing it over, and over…and over again.
Each time we come to a street crossing, “The Rule”, according to the girls, is that I have to sprint across the street and pull them along with me. They love this. It always gets them giggling and screaming way too loud for 8 o’clock in the morning.
All the way to school there’s more running and jumping and giggling and skipping. The skipping in particular always draws befuddled looks from the other parents driving by. I mean, you’d think they’d never seen a grown man skipping down the street before.
Finally we arrive at school, and I give each of them a kiss and a hug as they make their way into the building. Then I make the return journey back to my house, which, now that I am sans kids, is much more leisurely and far less conspicuous. Six and a half hours later I return for the pick-up, and we get to repeat the entire process, only this time in reverse. It’s basically the only exercise I get all day.
Just think: If I hadn’t quit my full-time job and set out on my own, I never would have been able to work in my underwear. And, oh yeah, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to walk my girls to school and back every day and experience all the wonderful silliness that goes along with it. Sure, my masculinity has probably taken a hit, with all the public skipping and everything. But that’s OK. The girls think I’m funny, and that’s all that really matters.
Let’s just see how funny they think it is when they’re 13 and I’m still right there, skipping alongside.~
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
So the other day I stopped at my favorite new shop in town, Sapling & Sons — Snail Mail Supply Co., when I saw a card with the following inscription:
“PARENTING IS MOSTLY JUST INFORMING KIDS HOW MANY
MORE MINUTES THEY HAVE OF SOMETHING.”
I got to thinking about how true that statement is, especially the “how many” part, and as a result, I came up with my own list of parenting how-manys that the average parent encounters throughout the course of his or her parenting career.
How many (insert rimshot sound effect) can you relate to?
THE MANY HOW-MANYS OF PARENTHOOD
How many… more peas they have to eat before they can be done.
How many… more shows they can watch before they have to turn off the TV.
How many… times you’ve told them not to lick your face!
How many… more minutes they have to be in Timeout.
How many… more days until their birthday.
How many… more days until Christmas.
How many… more days until Halloween.
How many… pieces of candy they can eat.
How many… candy wrappers you’ve found behind their bed.
How many… times you’ve told them not to touch Daddy’s typewriters!
(OK, maybe this one just applies to me.)
How many… lights you’ve had to turn off today already.
How many… more minutes they have before they have to come inside.
How many… crumbs you’ve found in the couch cushions.
How many… LEGOs you’ve stepped on in the living room.
How many… times you’ve reminded them to flush the toilet!
How many… sippy cups of curdled milk you’ve found around the house.
How many… more miles until we get there.
and, of course…
How many… glasses of Cabernet you’ve already had, and it’s only Tuesday night. ~
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
DAY 6 — Day Off / Magic Kingdom Halloween Party
When we planned our Disney vacation (and when I say “we”, I mean my wife and my sisters), we decided to include a day off at the hotel where we could relax, recharge, and frankly, sleep in past 7 a.m.
That day had finally come, and after sweating our you-know-what’s off at the parks for the past few days, we were all looking forward to a day at the pool. Of course, the night before a cold front goes through and drops the temperature by 15 degrees. Add in a steady breeze and it’s just cool enough that no one wants to get in the water. Actually, it would’ve been the perfect day to be at one of the parks. Figures.
Later on we headed off to dinner at the Whispering Canyon Cafe over at the Wilderness Lodge resort. If you like wood, you’d love this place. As soon as you walk in you feel like you’re vacationing at a secluded lodge somewhere in the great American Northwest. The food was great, too. One of their more popular dishes is a big frying pan full of meat. No joke. Just one tip: Don’t ask for any ketchup. Trust me on this one.
After that we headed back over to the Magic Kingdom for Mickey’s Not-So-Scary Halloween Party. As the rest of my family entered the park and took off for the Pirates of the Caribbean boat ride, Cass and I struggled to navigate our double stroller against the flood of people who were trying to leave the park. This is when I first came up with the idea for the Disney Stroller Cow-Catcher (patent pending).
Nighttime at the Magic Kingdom is simply (wait for it) magical. The fast rides seem faster, there’s no scorching sun scorching you, and the light show on Cinderella’s Castle is…well…just YouTube it. These guys really know how to put on a show.
My favorite part of the night came after I took The Animal on the inaccurately named Tomorrowland Speedway. Believe me, there’s nothing “speedy” about this speedway; a more appropriate name would be the Tomorrowland Lawn Tractor Ride. Not only is it surprisingly sluggish, but the cars are extremely difficult to control, too. When the ride was over, my son actually turned to the next riders and said, “Watch out — that car has a mind of its own.”
We didn’t get out of the park until after 11 p.m., and the kids didn’t get in bed until almost midnight. But of course I still stayed up until around 1:30 still, drinking wine and watching reruns of American Pickers. I figured there’d be plenty of time to sleep when vacation was over and I was back home at “work.”
DAY 7 — Magic Kingdom – Take 2
For our final day in Disney World, we decided to head back to the Magic Kingdom. As soon as we got to the park, my folks watched the kids for a bit while Cass and I ran off to ride Space Mountain, aka The Neckbreaker.
After that we spent the day re-riding some of the kids’ favorites and getting more autographs from various Disney characters including Anna and Elsa (Frozen), Merida (Brave), and, of course, the main mouse himself, Mickey. FYI, in case you didn’t know, Mickey actually moves his mouth and eyes now when you meet him! Funny it took so long, since that creepy narrator in the Carousel of Progress has been doing it since 1964.
At the end of the day, I went up onto the Walt Disney World Railroad platform to take in the stunning view of Main Street U.S.A. and Cinderella’s Castle and reflect back on the week that was. I had fully expected (and almost hoped for) a disastrous, frustrating, and completely exhausting vacation. Instead it turned out to be an amazing, magical, and completely exhausting vacation. Usually by the end of the week I can’t wait to come home; this time I kept wishing we had another week to go.
Actually — and, again, I can’t believe I’m saying this — I think it was my favorite vacation ever.
That said, it wasn’t all “magical.” I mean, my knees ached the entire time; I hardly slept all week; I ate way too much red meat; the sun was scorching and merciless; and the crowds were surprisingly large for mid-October. But overall Disney far exceeded my expectations.
Heck, just look at how much I smiled. My official tally for the week, give or take a smile, was right around 1,249. And for a guy who prefers to keep his smiles inside, that’s quite an accomplishment.
Well done, Disney World. Well done. ~
PS: Thank you to Art of Animation Manager John for driving the 20 miles from the resort to the airport to hand-deliver my son’s Elmo backpack, which he had left out in front of the hotel as we were leaving. They’re not paying you guys enough. (Or, maybe they are. I really don’t know. But thanks anyway!)
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
DAY 4 — The Magic Kingdom
This was the one I was most excited for. The other parks are great and everything, but when I think of Disney I think of the Magic Kingdom. I mean, Mickey lives there. Enough said.
We started out the day with a FastPass+ for Under the Sea — Journey of the Little Mermaid. Again, this one was just my speed: slow and no spinning. Plus, you get to sit inside a big seashell! What’s not to like?
Next we hit the Haunted Mansion, a Disney World icon. It was so cool and spooky, and just scary enough to make my kids nervous, but not enough to make them cry. Which is really what you want in a haunted house.
After that we headed to Enchanted Tales with Belle, an interactive experience where they pick people out of the crowd to help reenact the Beauty and the Beast story. I was chosen to play one of Belle’s guards; The Animal, appropriately, was chosen to play the Beast. Fortunately, other than letting out a fearsome roar, the little guy behaved himself and didn’t get us ejected from the park.
Throughout the day we explored every corner of the Kingdom, hitting old favorites like Thunder Mountain Railroad, the It’s a Small World ride, and even the Hall of Presidents, which is very cool and also somewhat creepy.
For dinner, we met up with everyone at Crystal Palace, where the kids were delighted to meet Tigger, Pooh, Piglet, and Eeyore. Meanwhile, outside a raging storm soaked our double stroller, rendering it useless. Coincidentally, we decided to leave the park a little early that day.
Before heading out though, we took the kids into the Emporium on Main Street U.S.A., where Boogieface bought a pair of Minnie hands and The Animal purchased a bucket of little green men from the Toy Story movie. For once were home at a decent hour, which gave the kids a chance to hit the sack early and Daddy a chance to hit the box ‘o wine a little early.
So it was a win-win-win kind of a day.
DAY 5 — Animal Kingdom
When I heard we were going to Animal Kingdom, I had no idea what to expect. I figured we’d be seeing a lot of exotic creatures, but never in my wildest dreams did I think that one of them would be a Yeti!
As soon as the park opened, we took off for Expedition Everest, one of the park’s premier rides. Off in the distance I could see the majestic peak of Disney’s Mt. Everest eerily cloaked in fog. (Actually, I think it was humidity. How could it be 90 degrees at 9 a.m. in the middle of October?! Only in Florida.)
As we went to get in line, we noticed that there wasn’t any line, and so we ended up going right to the front. I don’t want to give anything away (There was a Yeti!), but let’s just say it was pretty much my favorite roller coaster ever (Did I mention the Yeti!?). So much so that I rode it three times in 20 minutes! Not the smartest idea, considering I get sick on the swings at my local park. I was nauseated for the remainder of the day, but it was worth it. (Yeti.)
Actually, the whole Asia section of the park was so incredibly realistic, I now feel no need to actually visit the continent in person. Thank you, Disney!
After starting the day with a big dose of adrenaline, we decided to dial things down a bit and take a leisurely ride on the Wildlife Express Train. At the first stop, we asked the engineer if we had to get off or if we could just relax and stay on for the entire loop, which seemed to annoy him for some reason. “Stay on if you want,” he said. “You ain’t gonna see nothin’.” Sounds like somebody’s rode the train one too many times.
Next up we did the Kilimanjaro Safari, which, just like the Asia section, was so realistic I now feel no need to ever visit the African continent. Thanks again, Disney!
Our next stop was DINOSAUR, a raucous, whirlwind of a ride that takes you back in time to find, capture, and bring back a Hadrosaur. When it was over, my son turned to me and said, “That…was…AWESOME!”, followed immediately by, “Let’s not ride it again.”
That evening all sixteen of us gathered at the Animal Kingdom resort’s Sanaa restaurant, where we could view exotic wildlife while we dined on wildlife. (I had the giraffe; tastes like chicken.) However, with eight hungry, tired kids all worked up after four straight days of wall-to-wall Disney, believe me, the real wildlife was inside with us.
Eventually we made it back to the hotel. I’ll let you guess what happened next. (Hint: box o’ wine)
Next up… All things must come to an end.
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
DAY 3 — Hollywood Studios
As soon as I spotted the old Remington typewriter in the store window along Hollywood Studios’ main drag, I knew it was going to be a good day. Obviously this was my kind of amusement park.
Once again we got there right when it opened, and, per my wife’s research, we headed straight for the Jedi Training Academy. After a short wait, both Boogieface and The Animal were signed up for a training session later on that day. To say I was jealous would be a bit of an understatement. But, alas, they didn’t train adults (Yes, I asked.)
On a side note, while we were waiting in line, a Russian woman turned to us and asked: “Is dis dee line for dee Yeti Training?”
Smile Count: 39
From there we rode Toy Story Midway Mania and, my personal favorite, Star Tours, before letting the kids explore the “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids” movie set adventure playground, which featured giant insects and 30-foot-tall blades of grass. Fortunately they didn’t find any gigantic dog poo.
We also caught the “For the First Time in Forever: A Frozen Sing-Along Celebration” show. To be honest, I wasn’t really looking forward to this one, since it had literally taken me months to extricate the “Let It Go” earworm from my brain. But my kids love the movie, and I figured it would be cute to hear them singing along at the top of their lungs.
Unfortunately the only thing I heard was the woman beside me singing at the top of her lungs. She must have thought it was a Broadway tryout or something, the way she was carrying on. I tried to block her out by plugging my left ear and turning completely away from her. But it was no use. When the show was finally over, I really wanted to give her a piece of my mind, but then I just decided to let it go. (Sorry.)
Instead we headed off to our next FastPass+ at the Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular, which I was really…I mean, my kids were really excited for.
That afternoon it was around 90 degrees and humid — Is it ever comfortable in Florida? — so after the show we let the kids nap in the stroller for a bit while I enjoyed a couple ice-cold draft beers. Again, Disney really knows their stuff.
Smile Count: 52
Finally it was time for the kids to learn the ways of the Jedi. After receiving their official robes, they were led over to a Star Wars set where a real Jedi master (I think his name was Bob) showed them the ways of The Force along with the proper way to handle a light saber (otherwise known to my son as a “life saver”).
Suddenly Darth Vader appeared, flanked by two Imperial Stormtroopers! I watched in amazement – and with aching envy – as both of my kids took a turn testing their newfound Jedi skills on Lord Vader. Fortunately they were victorious. Otherwise it might have put a damper on the rest of our vacation.
Smile Count: 127
We closed out the day with the Fantasmic! fireworks show and then caught the bus back to the hotel, where I was delighted to find the box of wine I ordered waiting for me. As the kids and Cass hit the sack, I let the Merlot medicine numb the pain in my knees and hips while I took in a little Monday Night Football.
Smile Count… (Oh, heck with it. By this time I’d lost count anyway.)
Next up… It’s Magic time!
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
I wasn’t looking forward to it.
A whole week in Disney World with my family. Sixteen of us — eight adults and eight kids. It was going to be expensive. It was going to be exhausting.
It was going to be a very, very long week.
Heck, just preparing for Disney is a months-long project. My wife and my sisters had been working with our personal Disney planner — yes, you have to have a personal planner — for almost 9 months. Nine months—the same time it takes to make a human being!
Six months in advance places we wanted to reserve for lunch and dinner were already booked solid. Two months out my wife stayed up until midnight just so she could book our FastPass+ selections before they sold out. It’s crazy. When I went to Disney as a kid, we just piled into the old International Scout, drove the 18 hours to Orlando, bought our tickets at the gate, and ate whenever and wherever we wanted.
Nowadays, planning a trip to Disney is like planning a mission to Mars—you better take it seriously or you might not make it back.
It was going to be a disaster. And, honestly, part of me was OK with that. In my experience with writing, I’ve found that catastrophe makes for better humor. Unfortunately — and I can’t believe I’m saying this — but the entire experience turned out to be…well…magical.
In the following days I’ll be giving you a day-by-day recap of what turned out to be the Best Vacation Ever.
DAY 1 — ARRIVAL
Disney doesn’t wait until you get to Florida to start making you happy. After checking our bags curbside in Pittsburgh, we were told that we wouldn’t have to worry about them again — they’d be waiting for us in our hotel when we got there!
Smile Count: 1
As soon as we touched down in Orlando, we strapped on our MagicBands and were guided to our waiting motorcoach, which transported us in style to our next week’s home at the Art of Animation resort.
After a much-appreciated afternoon nap, we headed to Downtown Disney for dinner at the T-REX Cafe — a supercool restaurant with animatronic dinos that came to life every fifteen minutes and scared the crap out of my son. I had the New York Strip, which I assume was brontosaurus.
After dinner we perused some of the many fine shops and got the kids accustomed to hearing the word no. Then we caught the bus back to the hotel, where we collapsed after a long and tiring day. Of course, we had not yet begun to be tired.
DAY 2 — EPCOT – Land of the Big Golf Ball
After a quick breakfast in our room, we met up with the rest of the clan and made our way to Epcot. The last time I had been there in the early ‘80s, the park had just opened and was said to be a model “community of tomorrow.” However, across America, the giant, silver golf ball craze never really did take hold.
We got there right as the park opened and ran straight to Test Track, which, according to my wife’s exhaustive research, was one of Epcot’s must-ride rides. The ride itself was thrilling, but what really caught my attention was how Disney even makes standing in line fun. While we waited, the kids got to design their own race car on a touchscreen computer, which was then “tested” during the ride itself. It turned out that my son’s design wasn’t very aerodynamic. But who cares? I mean, rocket truck = cool.
Smile Count: 8
After that we rode The Seas with Nemo & Friends, which was more my speed — slow and relaxing. Then we checked out Turtle Talk with Crush, which wowed the kids and pretty much blew my dad’s mind. Imagine a cartoon that actually interacts with and responds to you. I wasn’t sure if I should be amazed or completely freaked out.
Smile Count: 14
Next we rode Soarin’, a simulator attraction that makes you feel like you’re actually flying. My mom thought it was so realistic that she took off her flip flops and held them in her lap so that, and I quote, “they wouldn’t fall off and get lost.” True story.
We also enjoyed the Spaceship Earth ride inside Epcot’s iconic geosphere (i.e., the big golf ball), which takes you on a slow, relaxing tour of the evolution of the human race from the Stone age to the computer age. The kids even dug it. Go figure.
After a meet-the-princesses luncheon, where the kids got to meet Belle, Snow White, Cinderella, Ariel, and, for some reason, Mary Poppins (?), we hit the Mexico attraction, which is inside a pyramid. I was really looking forward to seeing it again, since it had made such a big impression on me as a kid. It didn’t disappoint. My kids loved the realistic Plaza de Los Amigos, which makes you feel like it’s nighttime and you’re strolling the markets of some vibrant Mexican pueblo. It was just as I’d remembered it, only smaller.
Smile Count: 27
By mid-afternoon the scorching Florida sun had gotten the best of the men, so me, my dad, and my bro-in-law took the kiddos back to the hotel to swim, while the women stayed behind to do a little exploring. That night I drank a bottle of wine while watching Sunday Night Football, in disbelief of how tired I was.
Little did I know, this was just the tip of the exhaustion iceberg.
Next up: Hooray for Hollywood!
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
Coming back from vacation is never fun. You’re worn out from all the traveling and suddenly you’re thrown back into the reality of normal, everyday life. Coming back from the happiest place in the world…well, pardon my French, but it sucks.
At Disney World everything is pretty much perfect (really, it is) and they do everything they can to make your vacation as pleasant and enjoyable as possible.
Then you come home where pretty much nothing is perfect, and where you have no food in the fridge, at least nothing without any mold on it, and you’re just too tired to go to the store, so you to subsist on water and dry cereal until you’re so hungry that you’re forced to go to the supermarket. Meanwhile, your suitcases — one containing all your dirty clothes from the week, the other with everything else crammed into it — sit there on your dining room floor, mocking you, waiting to be unpacked, reminding you that you’re a long, long way from the magic of the Magic Kingdom.
Just in case you were wondering, here’s a little recap of my first day post-Disney. (Hint: It wasn’t very magical.)
- After having zero pain all week long in Disney World, as I sit at my desk slogging through my emails, my neck and back begin to tighten and ache as my shoulders slowly rise back to their normal position just below my ears.
- Just a day or so earlier, I was standing in 85 degree heat complaining about the sun’s scorching rays. Now I’m wearing a tossle cap indoors and standing at the kitchen sink running hot water on my near-frozen hands.
- A few days ago I was rushing to make my FastPass+ at the Haunted Mansion and then at Thunder Mountain Railroad. Now I’m rushing to empty the dishwasher, change the laundry, and make it to the Giant Eagle for some groceries before I have to go pick up my daughter from gymnastics.
- I fight the rush-hour traffic on the way back from gymnastics, only to have to turn around and go right back after my daughter informs me she left her Disney MagicBand and charm bracelet there. By the time I get back, my dinner is cold.
- After fighting with The Animal to get him to eat his veggies, we spend the next hour fighting with Boogs while helping her finish all the homework she’s missed in the past week.
- A short time later I’m upstairs chopping up one of my kids’ you-know-what with a stick so that the toilet doesn’t clog. Again. (Nope, not joking.)
- I miss the first quarter of the Steelers game on MNF because I’m busy cleaning up the kids’ playroom, which was driving me crazy and which was such a disaster area that I didn’t feel it was safe for them to do it themselves.
- I finally sit down to watch the game, a glass of Cabernet in hand, but I can’t hear anything over the cries emanating from upstairs after my wife decides that now, bedtime, is the perfect time to tell our daughter that, no, she cannot have seashells spread out all over her dresser. (Don’t worry; I don’t get it either.)
So that was my smooth transition from the magical world of Disney back to my normal, unpredictable, and sometimes chaotic life as a small-town dad. If I could only figure out how to install a FastPass+ on the laundry…
Now that would be magical.
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
One of the reasons I wanted to work for myself was so I could spend more time with my kids and do things I wouldn’t normally be able to do while tethered to my desk at work. (Literally, they chained me to my desk everyday.)
For instance, now that I’m working from home, every morning I get to walk my daughter and niece to school at Sts. Peter and Paul Elementary, my old stomping grounds. It’s such a nice way to start the day, even if I have to skip and sing “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” the entire way there.
Recently I volunteered for lunch duty at the school. First we wiped all the tables and chairs down, and then, when the kids started arriving, I took my spot as Official Fruit Disher Outer. It was surreal. From age 6 to 13 I went through that same line almost every day under the watchful eyes of Mrs. Mucha (prounounced moo-cha) and the other lunch ladies. Now here we were 26 years later, and I was a lunch lady myself. Who woulda thunk it?
After all the kids had their food, I filled up my own plate with a mountain of chicken nuggets and sat down to eat with my daughter and seven other girls in her class. Before long I had them rolling with laughter as, upon request, I sang “Let It Go” in my “girl voice”. That is, until I got reprimanded by the school principal for being a little too rambunctious. (True story.)
It was so neat to experience lunchtime back at my old school again. But I’ll tell ya, things certainly have changed from when I was a student.
The lunchroom itself isn’t all that different. The Crucifix is still there, where my friend Greg’s errant throw led to a Twinkie getting stuck on the face of Jesus. And the old wall behind the serving line still features the hand-painted mural of Peggy Pea, Father Fork, Monsignor Meatball and all the other food people. Everything looks so much like it used to, in fact, that I can almost imagine I’m still back in school eating a bologna and mayo sandwich, trading Ho-Hos for Pringles, and debating over who the coolest G.I. Joe character is. (It’s Stormshadow by a mile, BTW.)
The real difference is the atmosphere—it’s much more relaxed, especially at the end of the lunch period. I was shocked when the principal actually had to use a microphone to dismiss each grade, just so she could be heard over the racket.
Back in my day (yes, I said it) when lunch was over one of the teachers would ring this huge brass bell that was kept behind the pulpit at the front of the room. That was our signal to get quiet. Immediately. Most of the time we’d do as we were told and line up, single file, to head out to recess or back upstairs to resume classes. Every once in a while, however, it would take two or three rings of the bell to get our attention, and then Principal Sr. Peggy would suddenly materialize out of thin air and be standing at the back of the room. She wouldn’t say anything; she’d just stand there, her index finger pressed to her lips, and wait. If we fell silent, usually she’d let us live. Usually. But if we took longer than a second to settle down, she’d let loose like a T-Rex in a petting zoo.
Of course, the way we discipline children has changed today in this brave new world of YouTube and Twitter. Fear is no longer an acceptable form of motivation. Too bad. I mean, what are these kids going to write about when they’re my age?
Lunch duty was a blast, and I’m definitely looking forward to doing it again. And not just for the chicken nuggets. (Hopefully next time they’ll have tater tots, too.)
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
531 Third Street
What would you say if I told you one of the coolest places in all of Beaver is…wait for it…a frame shop? That’s right—a store that frames stuff. Not that there’s anything wrong with framing things, but you’re probably wondering why in the world anyone would ever want to hang out there?
Two words: wine, cheese.
Located at 531 Third Street in Beaver, Courtney-Laughlin Frame Studio & Gallery takes your average frame shop to a whole new level. Owned by Kathy Courtney and Jamie Laughlin, this beautiful gallery features everything from unique local art to eclectic home decor. Every time I walk in there seems to be something different and new to see. It’s really one of the best businesses in town.
But that’s not what makes Courtney-Laughlin so great. Kathy and Jamie do. You see, they get it. They understand that in order to be a vibrant, successful main street business, you gotta do more than just set up shop and wait for the customers to arrive. You have to make it a place people want to be—a gathering place where there’s always something cool going on.
At least once or twice a month Kathy and Jamie hold some type of special event in their store. Sometimes they host a local artist or have an in-store class. A couple years ago, during the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War, they had a re-enactor come in and do a demonstration on the typical soldier’s uniform and equipment. Every third Thursday of the month, Courtney-Laughlin is the place to be during Beaver’s monthly Third Thursday on Third celebration. The gallery is always packed with interesting people during these monthly gatherings, and sometimes there’s even live entertainment. And of course, there’s always a generous spread of cheese, wine, crackers, and other goodies on hand.
Best of all, Kathy and Jamie are just awesome people. They make you feel so welcome in their store, even if your main intention is to sample some homemade wine. Not that I know anyone like that.
And, oh yeah, did I mention they also do some amazing custom framing there, too?
Stop by Courtney-Laughlin Frame Studio & Gallery for the next Third Thursdays on Third celebration, October 16, from 5-8 p.m.
ODE TO A PORT-O-POTTY
Thank you, O Port-o-Potty
For the sliver of shade
You so generously provided
On a bright, late summer’s day.
A plastic palm tree
A septic oasis
In this treeless desert of a playground
Where my kids navigate the monkey bars
And whatever the heck that other contraption is.
O under appreciated receptacle!
O sentinel of construction sites!
O outhouse with an Irish-sounding name!
You take so much crap
The butt of many a joke
Yet where would we be without ye?
I shudder to think.
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
I never thought I’d be singing “Copacabana” to a roomful of strangers while a woman danced around me with a basket of fruit on her head. Then again, I never thought I’d have to trim my ear hairs on a regular basis. Life is funny that way.
It all began a few weeks ago when I met Ramon, a retired pulmonologist from the Philippines who moved here six years ago. We were introduced by my friend Sue, who knew that Ramon and I were both avid karaoke fans. Little did I know…
Flash forward a couple of weeks, my wife and I were hanging out on the front porch when Ramon and his lovely wife, Anna, walked up and invited us to a small gathering at their house the following weekend to celebrate Ramon’s birthday. I have to be honest, we barely knew them, and I wasn’t sure if I was even comfortable attending. But then they mentioned there’d be karaoke, wine, and that it would be catered by my favorite local restaurant, Biba. Suddenly I felt much more at ease. Plus, Cass and I are always up for a date night, so of course we accepted.
When we arrived at Ramon and Anna’s home on Saturday evening, the first thing that caught my eye were the two microphone stands in their living room. Off to the right I spotted a professional karaoke set-up, complete with speakers, flat-screen monitor, and an iPad where Ramon could access his database of over 40,000 – yes, 40,000! – songs. Of course, this was a small, intimate gathering of about a dozen or so people, many of whom didn’t know each other. So I seriously doubted anyone would be taking part in an activity that’s usually reserved for Friday nights at the local beer garden.
For the next hour or so we sat around the dinner table feasting on Cuban delicacies and doing our best to deplete Ramon and Anna’s wine reserves. During the meal, I had the chance to get to know them a little better and found out that they had lived everywhere from Albuquerque to Italy. When I asked how they ended up in our quiet little town, Ramon said it was because of all the places they had been, it was the most like where they had lived — get this — in Italy!
You heard it here first: Beaver = Italy. Who knew?
When dinner was over, Anna invited us to adjourn to the living room, where she kicked off the entertainment portion of the evening by cracking the karaoke ice. Wow, I thought, we really are going to do this. When she was done with her song I volunteered to go second, since by then my trepidations about singing had been nicely washed away by a few glasses of Chianti.
Before we knew it, our quiet little dinner gathering had evolved into a swingin’ soirée, with perfect strangers throwing out all modesty as they came up, one after another, to belt out their favorite tunes. One brave soul even entertained us with an a cappella version of the Beatles’ “Yesterday” with an Hispanic twist (i.e., “Jesterday”). All the while, my friend Sue, one of only two people I had previously known before the party, and who, I found out, is a devoted member of the International Kazoo Players Association (yes, it’s a real thing) accompanied the singers with her golden kazoo and mini tambourine.
Then, just as Cass and I were about to call it a night, Ramon hit play on his iPad and the unmistakable notes of “Copacabana” filled the room. Seeing that no one was taking him up on his invitation, I grabbed a mic and channeled my inner Barry Manilow. (Who even knew I had an inner Barry Manilow? Scary, right?) Meanwhile, Anna danced around me looking like Carmen Miranda in her Tutti Fruitti hat.
All in all it was a somewhat surreal yet wonderful evening with friends, old and new. Best of all, I think I’ve added a new song to my karaoke repertoire. (Yes, I have a repertoire.)
Now if I can just convince Sue with her kazoo and Anna with her fruit hat to join me at the local bar next karaoke night. After all, my inner Barry Manilow needs his entourage. ~
A lot of people ask me why I run. After all, why would someone wake up before dawn to basically punish himself for anywhere from 3o minutes to 3 hours, when it would be much easier to just hit snooze and roll over? Honestly, I’m not completely sure myself.
That said, here’s a list of the best reasons I could come up with.
WHY I RUN
- For the wine
- For the french fries
- For my health
- To meditate
- Because I’m almost 40
- Because I’m still 39
- For the adventure
- For the challenge
- For the alone time
- For the camaraderie
- For the high
- To explore other towns
- To get to know my town better
- To get away from my kids
- To get back to my kids
- Because someday I won’t be able to anymore
- Because it makes me feel like a superhero
- Because it makes me feel alive
- Because skipping, although fun, looks silly
- Because it helps me sleep
- For the cool racing shirts
- To be part of a close-knit family
- Because I’m lazy
- To justify what I paid for these shoes
- For the pure, spiritual experience you can only have from setting a goal and pushing yourself to the edge, both physically and mentally.
Who am I kidding. I do it for the wine.
And I’m cool with that. ~
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
My random thoughts from a recent family trip to Kennywood Park in Pittsburgh:
- Apparently everyone – and I mean EVERYONE – had the same idea.
- Waited an hour for the Garfield’s Nightmare boat ride, and it turns out it’s just one big ad for junk food. They know we’re at an amusement park, right?
- Thanks, but no, I don’t want you to take my picture and then try to sell it to me later. See this thing in my hand? It’s not just a phone, it’s also a camera. AND WE ALL HAVE THEM!
- I wish I could just buy a people-watching ticket.
- Thanks for putting a designated smoking section right next to the seats at the show. Really enhances the viewing experience.
- Watching my son yell and gyrate on the merry-go-round makes me think of
Ernest T. Bass. (Google it.)
- French fries really shouldn’t take a half an hour to make. But, man, what do they fry these in? Happiness Oil?
- Depending on where you’re standing, it either smells like a funnel cake or a landfill.
- This place is great, but it was a lot more fun back when we just walked around looking for girls.
- The Olde Kennywood Railroad. Now this is more like it. Man, I’m old.
- Rollerblades/skates would make this a lot easier.
- 3 rides in 7 hours—times sure have changed.
- You know you’re old when just watching the Bayern Kurve ride makes you nauseous.
- Seeing the joy in my kids’ faces makes it all worth it. Almost. ~
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich
“Daddy! Something’s wrong with Jolly!”
It was the end of a long weekend. I had just given the kiddos a shower and was looking forward to getting both them – and myself – to bed. Just then Boogieface passed the fishbowl and saw her beloved goldfish, Jolly, floating on top of the water.
In the previous couple of days I had noticed Jolly’s water getting muckier and muckier. But cleaning it wasn’t exactly high up on my want-to-do list. Now it looked as if my gross negligence had led to the little guy’s demise.
Ever since my daughter won the fish at the Midland 4th of July carnival, I’d been waiting for (and somewhat looking forward to) the day when we’d wake up to find it belly up and unresponsive. It’s not that I don’t like fish. It’s just that a goldfish is a slippery slope to bigger and more expensive pets—pets that do things like poop on your rug and gnaw on your remote control.
You see, Boogs has been begging us for a dog for a while now. My wife and I told her she can get one when she turns 10. Of course, when that day actually arrives, I’ll present her with another enticing option, a la Monty Hall: would she rather have a puppy now or a car when she’s 16. I’ll keep using the Let’s Make A Deal method until legally she’s no longer our responsibility.
Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. I just love other people’s dogs a whole lot better. After all, that’s why grandparents love their grandchildren so much–at the end of the day they get to give them back.
The problem is, my daughter is still a little too young to maintain the fishbowl on her own, so of course the job got added to Mommy and Daddy’s ever-growing list of responsibilities. Without a filter, the water has to be changed every couple of days, otherwise it gets all murky and stinks to high heaven. And after three or four cleanings, I was ready to flush the little bugger down the toilet, dead or alive.
So when we found Jolly floating on his side, I have to admit, a part of me was relieved. But then I saw the sadness in my little girl’s eyes, I couldn’t help but feel for her.
But just when we were certain the little guy was doomed, he flapped a fin and gulped some of the filthy water. Boogieface’s eyes lit up. “Daddy!” she screamed. “He’s still alive!”
Son of a…
I snapped into action. “All right, first thing we gotta do is get him out of that water—STAT!” (OK, maybe I didn’t actually say “STAT.” But it makes for better drama.) Moving the fishbowl to the kitchen sink, I grabbed the net, scooped Jolly out and transferred him into a dish of clean water. I thought that alone might do the trick, but at first he didn’t look any better. Then, gradually, as I cleaned the fishbowl, the whole time gagging at the smell, Jolly began to improve.
Miraculously, just few minutes later, he was back inside his now clean fishbowl and back to his jolly old self again (i.e., floating underwater and doing pretty much nothing).
Boogieface was ecstatic. “Yay, Daddy!” she said. “You saved Jolly! Daddy saved Jolly!”
So in the end I’m a the big hero and Jolly lives to swim another day. Not a bad way to end the weekend.
Now let’s just hope the little bugger kicks the bucket in the middle of the night before I have to clean that nasty fishbowl again. ~
Copyright © 2014 Valentine J. Brkich